CHRISTIAN SEXUAL ETHICS - What's Right? What's Wrong? And Why?

Christians Talking About: Polyamory, Swinging, Polygamy, Nudism, Adam and Eve... Join the discussion!


Thanks for visiting my site. Here's why I developed this site and why it is important for Christians to start talking about Christian sexual ethics:

The focus of this site is Christian sexual ethics from a biblical perspective. What's Right? What's Wrong? And Why?

Some Christians are probably scratching their heads. "What's there to talk about? When it comes to Christian sexual ethics, every Christian already knows what's right and what's wrong. Sex belongs in marriage between one husband and one wife; everything else is simply wrong."

The average Christian thinks of Christian sexual ethics and Christian morals in the following terms:

Fornication is a biblical term referring to premarital sex. Adultery is a biblical term referring to extramarital sex. The Bible defines thinking about having either extramarital or premarital sex as lust, which was strictly prohibited by Jesus. Once we get to Heaven, both sex and marriage will come to a grinding halt. But not to worry because once we get beyond the Pearly Gates, we'll be so enamoured by the Beatific Vision, we won't even think about having sex.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm certain that the Beatific Vision will be spectacular, beyond anything we can possibly imagine. Neither am I implying that there is no such thing as sexual sin or that sexual sin is not a serious matter. What I am saying is, Christians - both now and throughout history - have disagreed on precisely what sexual sin is and why it is wrong. There are varying opinions on exactly what is the Bible's teaching on sex. Understanding sex in the Bible can be a daunting undertaking. Furthermore, not all Christians believe there is no sex in Heaven. A prime example is Billy Graham, who had this to say on Larry King Live:

"If sex is necessary for our happiness and fulfillment, it'll be there." (December 25, 1998)

Although many other Christians agree with Dr. Graham on this matter, the vast majority believe Heaven is a sex-free environment.

By challenging the status quo, I don't mean to suggest that Christians should be cavalier about sexual matters. But neither should we be legalistic or lean too far to the right. The key concern should be: "What is the truth?" Perhaps the church has stumbled in the fog regarding sexual ethics for so long because, as Jack Nicholson so aptly put it in the movie A Few Good Men, we "can't handle the truth!" (If you're not familiar with that famous scene, see the VIDEO clip in right side panel.)

There are many complex questions about right and wrong and Christian sexual ethics that sincere Christians with differing views have grappled with for centuries. is a site dedicated to helping Christians discover the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth regarding Christian sexual ethics and Christian morals... regardless of what that truth happens to be. Or, as the TV crime drama CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) puts it, "going wherever the evidence leads us." hopes to accomplish this through an exchange of meaningful dialogue, plus an appeal to both common sense and reason, with an appeal to Scripture as the final court of arbitration.

Philip Yancey is a Christian author who has sold over fourteen million books worldwide, making him one of the best-selling Christian authors of all time. Yancey was an editor for Christianity Today for many years. According to Yancey:

"I know of no greater failure among Christians than in presenting a persuasive approach to sexuality. Outside the church, people think of God as the great spoilsport of human sexuality, not its inventor." (Holy Sex: How it ravishes our souls, article from Christianity Today, posted 10/01/2003 12:00 am)

Yancy points out that authorities in the early church issued edicts forbidding married couples to have sex on certain days of the week. Sex was banned on Thursdays because it was the day of Christ's arrest. Sex was forbidden on Fridays, the day of his death; on Saturdays, in honor of the Blessed Virgin; and on Sundays in honor of the departed saints. Wednesdays sometimes made the list too, as did the 40-day fast periods before Easter, Christmas, and Pentecost, and also feast days and days of the Apostles, as well as the days of female impurity. The list escalated until, as John Boswell has estimated, only 44 days of the year remained available for marital sex (Ibid.). Most modern Christians would recoil at such tyrannical legalism. Imagine having church authorities forbidding married couples to have sex every day of the year except for 44. According to Dr. Allan C. Carlson, Ph. D. :

"In the early years of sixteenth-century Europe, the Church claimed about twenty-five percent of the adult population in celibate orders. One of every four adults served as a priest or resided in a convent or monastery, complete with vows of chastity." (A Revolutionary Theology of Sex: Martin Luther on Sex, Marriage and Family - July 2, 2004)

Luther harshly criticised the church's stance against married couples enjoying sex. And as a result of the Protestant Reformation, husbands and wives were no longer regarded as second-class citizens, inferior to monks and nuns. Attitudes toward sex began to shift. Later, in the 18th and 19th centuries, secular revolutions swept across Europe. The church was no longer regarded as the guardian of sexual ethics. Nevertheless, in England and America, Victorians brought back an ethic of repression, to the extent where the legs of furniture were covered in order to prevent the arousal of impure thoughts. These lessons from history should remind us that our church leaders are not always right regarding sex; especially regarding sex. Yet many modern church leaders have told me that Christians should not be allowed to discuss such matters because it's too dangerous. I disagree.

We Welcome Your Comments!

Each web page includes a chat room near the bottom. There is also a comment button at the end of every post. This site is meant to be interactive. I encourage your comments and feedback, as long as those comments represent a Christian perspective. I welcome both compliments and criticism, as long as that criticism is meant to be constructive. If your comments are good enough, I may even dedicate an entire web page to your comments. Make sure that all comments are thoughtful and respectful of others. Please stay on topic. And absolutely no profanity.

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About Me

Hi. My name is Tom Gruber. (To read more about me, CLICK HERE.) I make no claims to infallibility. But as a student of the Bible and someone who has been searching scrupulously for sound answers for a long, long time, I recognize numerous problems and inconsistencies with many of the church's current positions on Christian sexual ethics.

The Ethics of Polygamy: Why The Polygamy Issue Is Important

This site is NOT primarily about the ethics of polygamy. But the polygamy issue is critically important for a number of reasons.

For those involved in missions, how we view the ethics of polygamy effects how we do missions. What does a missionary tell a new convert who also happens to be a polygamist? Must he divorce all his wives but one?

Though I am concerned with missions, my primary concern is how this issue spills over into other areas of Christian sexual ethics. In my judgment, the Achilles heel of the "sex only within marriage" position is that many godly men in the Bible had numerous wives and concubines. Some claim that men like Abraham and David were either stupid, rebellious, or ignorant. I disagree. Contrary to popular opinion, there is no explicit indication in Scripture that God ever disapproved of polygamy. If polygamy really is a sin, as many claim, it certainly seems peculiar that God didn't simply get straight to the point and tell those polygamists, "Hey guys, c'mon - get with the program. Polygamy is a sin!"

Although the majority of Christians throughout history have taken the position that polygamy is a sin, many giants of the faith, like Luther, Augustine, and Aquinas, have stated that nothing in the Bible forbids it. Christians are still divided on the issue of polygamy today. According to one survey on the ethics of polygamy created on 8/20/2006 by, a reformed website, as of July 27, 2007, out of 973 total votes, though 37% believed that polygamy has always been sinful, 20% believed polygamy was permitted in the Old Testament but is now sinful under the new covenant. Furthermore, 10% believed polygamy is not sinful, but is unwise as it is not God's ideal of one man and one woman for life. Another 21% believed polygamy has always been allowed by God, just like celibacy and monogamy. And 7% believed polygamy is the Bible's preferred form of marriage. The rest had no opinion. So even though 37% believed that polygamy has always been sinful, which is probably the majority opinion held by Christianity at large, 58% disagreed with that statement in one form or another. This survey illustrates the diversity of opinions held even among conservative reformed Christians.

While doing my research on the ethics of polygamy, I've probably heard most if not all the arguments on all sides of this controversial and complex issue. I've come to the conclusion that it can be demonstrated, beyond a reasonable doubt, that polygamy is not necessarily a sin. But only to those who have eyes to see and ears to listen. Nevertheless, there needs to be much more interaction and dialogue from all sides of this complex, controversial issue.

So if it is true that "Polygamy is not a sin," then the statement "All sexual intercourse outside of a monogamous heterosexual marriage is a sin" must be false. Common sense and logic dictates that both statements cannot be true at the same time in the same sense. Furthermore, if polygamy really is an ethical option for Christians, a torrential floodgate is now opened wide, allowing numerous other complex and thorny questions to crash through. Such questions include:

Precisely when is sex a sin? How do we define sexual sin?
Precisely what is sex?

For example, was President Clinton "really" having sex with Monica Lewinsky? How far is too far?

Precisely what is marriage? Are couples living together without a legal document "really married" in the eyes of God?
When and why was marriage instituted? Was marriage instituted before or after the Fall?

What does it mean to be married to Christ? Is our marriage to Christ figurative, literal, or both? Why does it matter?

Are there other moral options besides marital monogamy and single celibacy?

The Ethics of Swinging & The Ethics of Polyamory

Are alternative lifestyles, such as swinging and polyamory, reconcilable with Christianity? Precisely what is the Bible teaching on sex?

The ethics of swinging and the ethics of polyamory are just a few of the many ethical conundrums we'll be grappling with. One thing I've learned, from years of research, is simply this: sex is complex.

Because the ethics of polygamy strikes squarely at the root of the tree, I've devoted a considerable amount of space on this site grappling with this issue, analyzing in depth all the various pros and cons in light of the Bible teaching on sex. It will be up to my visitors to determine for themselves which position is correct.

Two Other Major Issues Dealt With Here

In addition to the ethics of polygamy, there are two other questions that I've devote much space to. They are:

1. Original Sin and the Forbidden Fruit: What Was the Sin of Adam and Eve?
2. The Ethics of Nudism: Does the Bible condone nudism?

Original Sin and the Forbiden Fruit: What Was The Sin Of Adam And Eve?

You may be wondering, "What does original sin, the forbidden fruit, and the sin of Adam and Eve have to do with Christian sexual ethics?" The answer is, what Adam and Eve did way back in Eden affects everything we do today, both sexually and otherwise. I make the case that not only are we to recapture Paradise by the way we live, but that sex would have been a whole lot better, both quantitatively and qualitatively, if Adam and Eve hadn't misbehaved.

The Ethics of Nudism: Does The Bible Condone Nudism?

I've also spent a considerable amount of space on the ethics of nudism. Although this subject does not directly relate to Christian sexual ethics, it does relate indirectly.

Other Relevant Topics

Other relevant topics that will be upcoming include:

How serious is the threat of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases?

Is it okay to be gay? Since I myself am neither gay nor bi-sexual, this subject does not pertain to me personally. Therefore, I have no ax to grind. But I am familiar with the pros and cons. It is important to be familiar with all the arguments on both sides, regardless of one's position.

Why were the Church Fathers so negative about sex?

Are humans naturally monogamous?

Why So Much Confusion Over Sex?

Ask a dozen people what they believe is acceptable sexual behavior, and you just might get a dozen different answers. Even in Christian circles, where the Bible teaching on sex is accepted, there is a widespread diversity of opinion.

Perhaps this is to be expected. After all, there are many questions about human sexuality that the Bible simply doesn't answer, at least not explicitly. Furthermore, the Bible was written thousands of years ago in a culture radically different from ours. Lastly, there are numerous ways for sincere Christians to interpret the Bible's teaching on sex.

How Do Christian Sexual Rules Apply Today?

So how should modern-day Bible-believers apply the moral principles found in Holy Writ to today's ever-changing cultural climate? This site is dedicated to allowing various views to be heard, while maintaining that there there is a such thing as ultimate truth. For Christians, the Bible is a trustworthy foundation of all truth; but the Bible teaching of sex must be interpreted and applied properly. Only then can a book written thousand of years ago have relevance to our world today.

Why My Opinions Matter

This site obviously reflects my own opinions, though I try to be fair to those who disagree with me. Although I certainly make no claims to infallibility, I also want the reader to know that my opinions are the result of much study, prayer, and reflection. Therefore, I believe my opinions have value, if for no other reason than to challenge the thinking of others. To be sure, some of my opinions are very controversial. My purpose, however, is not to stir up controversy but to cause people to think and hopefully engage in meaningful dialogue.

I've often been told I need to recant my opinions. In fact, as recently as December 15, 2007, I was told by the pastor of a church I used to attend that I am not welcome in their fellowship unless I remove my website from the Internet. I assure you, I will not be bullied by such tyrants, although I do respect the pastor's concern to protect his flock. There are several other churches that also do not want me to darken their corridors. God forbid, we don't want people to think, now do we?

In response to such strong-arm tactics, consider the life and words of Martin Luther, the great Protestant reformer. Luther's views were condemned as heresy by Pope Leo III in the bull Exsurge Domine in 1520. Luther was then summoned to either renounce or reaffirm his views at the Diet of Worms on April 17, 1521. When Luther appeared before the assembly, Johann von Eck, the assistant to the Archbishop of Trier, acted as spokesman for Emperor Charles the Fifth. He presented Luther copies of his writings. He asked Luther if he still believed what these works taught. Luther requested time to think about his answer and he was granted an extension. After praying and consulting with friends and mediators, Luther appeared before the Diet the following day.

The counselor put the same question to Luther. Luther apologized for the harsh tone of many of his writings. Nevertheless, Luther said he would not reject the majority of his writings. Luther respectfully but boldly stated:

"Unless I am convinced by proofs from Scriptures or by plain and clear reasons and arguments, I cannot and will not retract, for it is neither safe nor wise to do anything against conscience. Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen."

In 2001, I published a book through Trafford Publishing entitled: What the Bible "REALLY" says about... SEX: A New Look at Sexual Ethics from a Biblical Perspective. Here are a few of the key points:

Marriage, as we know it, was instituted after the Fall as a result of the Fall.

There are two kinds of sex: responsible sex and irresponsible sex. Sex outside of marriage can be and usually is irresponsible... but not necessarily.

I believe that alternative lifestyles, such as swinging and polyamory, are neither moral nor immoral; they are amoral. I believe they can be practiced responsibly and therefore, they are not sinful per se. I also believe that there is sex in Heaven. In fact, I believe there is polyamorous sex in Heaven.

These ideas have been met with great resistance in the Christian community. I still believe much, if not most, of what I believed back in 2001. Like Luther, I confess that some of my writings in the past contained a "harsh, in your face, I know I'm right and anybody who disagrees with me is a total moron" tone. Like Luther, I apologize to anyone who may have been offended by my writings. I'm trying to improve by being more respectful of those who disagree with me. I'm trying to be more diplomatic. Nevertheless, like Luther, I cannot reject the majority of my writings. Like Luther, I respectfully but boldly declare:

"Unless I am convinced by proofs from Scriptures or by plain and clear reasons and arguments, I cannot and will not retract, for it is neither safe nor wise to do anything against conscience. Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen."

I am constantly refining my beliefs and subjecting them to rigid scrutiny. Again, I make no claims to infallibility. I'm simply a sinner saved by grace seeking answers to questions that most Christians are afraid to ask and unwilling to grapple with. If that is a sin, then I am guilty as charged. Ultimately, I believe the Bible is the final court of arbitration for all Christians. For this reason, is a Christian site dedicated to seeking the truth regarding sexual ethics.

I Respect Those Who Disagree With Me

Also, it should be noted that sometimes I will quote a theologian to support my opinions and sometimes I will quote the same theologian in order to refute his position. Sometimes I will quote the same theologian to show points of agreement, as well as points of disagreement. I mean no disrespect, either to theologians of the past or theologians of the present. As an example, I have enormous respect for the following modern theologians: R.C. Sproul, John MacArthur, Hank Hanegraaff, Randy Alcorn, and Billy Graham. I have learned a great deal from these men and I owe them an enormous debt of gratitude. Usually I agree with them. But sometimes I don't, and I'm not afraid to say so. I doubt if there is anyone on planet earth that I agree with on everything. Nevertheless, I believe the issues I'll be tackling are important. Hopefully, you feel the same way.

A Few Famous Quotes

Let me conclude this introductory portion by quoting Martin Luther and Bobby Kennedy.

Martin Luther said:

"Peace if possible, truth at all costs."

Robert F. Kennedy said:

"Some men see things as they are and ask 'Why?' I dream of things that never were and ask 'Why not?' " is a Christian site dedicated to seeking the truth regarding Christian sexual ethics, while creating a passionate vision of the way things ought to be. Hopefully, you'll share this vision and the passion will be contagious.

Let the conversation begin!


All comments are welcomed and appreciated, as long as those comments are thoughtful, constructive, and reflect a Christian perspective. Please, no profanity. And be respectful of others. Also, please stay on the topic. Chatrooms and comment buttons are located after each post. Enjoy!

Me In A Nutshell Verses Them In A Nutshell: Who's "REALLY" Nuts?

Description: Christian Sexual Ethics - Two opposite views are summarized: those of mainstream Christianity and those of the author.

In this blog post, my goal is to articulate in broad brushstrokes, as precisely and concisely as possible, exactly what I believe regarding sexual ethics while simultaneously contrasting it with what Christianity at large currently believes.

Christianity's Current View of Sex In a Nutshell

First, here is what most (though certainly not all) Christians believe about sexual ethics. God made Adam and Eve - not Adam and Steve, or Adam, Eve, and Betty - because He intended to establish monogamous heterosexual marriage and the nuclear family as the idealistic human lifestyle for humanity. Therefore, sex belongs exclusively within a marriage between one woman and one wife; everything else is a sin. Sex prior to marriage is defined as "fornication"; extramarital sex after tying the knot is "adultery." Thinking about either fornication or adultery is "lust."

My View of Sex In a Nutshell

In sharp contrast with this view, here is what I believe. ADAM can refer to either the first man or mankind. EVE can also refer to either the first woman or EVEry woman, i.e. womankind. Therefore, the story of Adam and Eve is not only a story of one man and one woman, but it is also a story of humanity. Prior to The Fall, before our original parents ate the forbidden fruit, God intended mankind to be married to womankind. God's original desire was for every man to be married to every woman. Marriage, and therefore sex, was originally intended to be universally inclusive, not universally exclusive. Had Adam and Eve obeyed God, there would have been no need for most of the sexual restrictions found in the Bible.

So what happened? I believe eating the forbidden fruit was a metaphor. As the Talmud says, and as many early Jews believed, I am persuaded that the sin of our original parents was this: they engaged in an orgy with Satan and his demons. After this happened, Adam and Eve became "like gods" by acquiring the ability to procreate offspring. This is one reason why sexual limitations needed to be imposed. Adam and Eve "adulterated" both themselves and the human race by having sex with the devil. After acquiring procreative capacities via sex, if God had allowed women of biblical times to have sex with everyone, there would have been no way of accurately determining who beget who.

As for "fornication," I believe this term refers to the use of sex to worship idols, i.e. idolatry. This practice was common in both the Old and the New Testaments. Therefore, I believe that Sexual Utopia can be defined as many men expressing love to many women in a sexually responsible manner. I believe that polyamory, and to a certain extent perhaps swinging, can be a return to Eden. I have many reasons, beyond the scope of this blog post, to believe these things. However, as I promised, I have given you a precise, concise description of my position without launching into an elaborate dissertation. STAY TUNED, more elaboration on these points is coming to a blog spot near you.

So that's my opinion. What's yours? There is a chat room below, as well as a comment button. Simply click on the comment button and tell me what you think.


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Groups Guy said...

God... I soooo wanna enter a virgin Christian girl.

I wanna look into her eyes after kissing & sucking her "innocent" virgin pussy... Wanna see the look on her face from between her sexy boobs as my mouth drips with her "innocent" Christian pussy juices...

I know she's holding-out until marriage, but... me making love to her pussy with my mouth for 20 mins. may change her mind.

As I move my lips to hers, she doesn't try to stop me (like she use to) as I slowly slide my hungry penis into her "innocent" Christian pussy, which is now mine...

Groups Guy said...

Something single Christian women do, to find some fulfillment, is to engage in a lot of foreplay or heavy oral.

She & her man agree that penetration won't occur, but engage in everything else.

The woman caresses his hardness & he fingers her, probing her every depth & giving her all these fulfilling sensations.
While he "explores" her, she fantasizes what it would be like to have him conquer her, so she must watch her thoughts.

To "reward" him for not pressuring to penetrate her, the innocent Christian woman goes down on him & gives him all those wonderful feelings to orgasm & she doesn't deprive him by not swallowing.

The feelings are so great that she lets him mount her, but still, he "promises" not to enter.

As he rubs up against her, this also gives her tremendous feelings & he will often ejaculate all over her tummy & vagina area, & both will long for more.

A Christian couple can get some limited satisfaction this way, but if a woman's dating a nonChristian, she better be careful.

The Christian woman may think she can tame this nonChristian "bad boy" but engaging in "everything....but" activity can be dangerous, particularly for non-virgin but chaste women who've tasted the pleasures of sex but were trying to wait until marriage.

Though he "promised" not to enter her very wet womanhood, which he sucked on for a long time & gave her orgasm after orgasm, she shouldn't be "surprised" when he attempts to work it in.

It's a dangerous stage, going that far & putting herself in such a compromising situation with a nonbeliever, who may not have her best interests or morality in mind.

He doesn't share her religious convictions, after all, & has likely been with many other women, some of whom he robbed of their Christian innocence.

The Christian women he de-virginized remember for their rest of their lives his passionate thrusts & bursting of their hymens.

The feelings are so great that she doesn't try to block or stop him as he begins to slowly slide it in.

To be honest, she finds she doesn't want him to stop.

It's a stunning image of the good Christian girl so easily surrendering to her man's carnal desires & giving him Sister in Christ treasure.

Her abdomen moves in a seductive manner as her hips match her man's carnal thrusts & she seems to "put aside" her godly Christian principles for the pleasurable feelings she's long craved.

All her pent-up passion of years of waiting & being a "good girl," she releases with him as he gives her the experience of a lifetime.

She doesn't think about her faith, convictions or morality as his impressive manhood pushes into her & goes where no man has ever gone.

She holds him tighter, showing him her "approval" of his taking her.

These innocent Christian women sometimes think of God as they feel their men filling them with their godless, spermy cum, but by then, it's too late as she's given himself to her &
he will expect more intimate moments.

Telling, the woman chooses to give HIM -- the pagan fornicator -- her Christian innocence & allow his godless manhood to be be the first to "break her in..." not the Christian man she may later marry.

The innocent Christian girl has become a woman & now must deal with the heavy feelings of guilt & remorse.